The Pageless Book

My lovely wife is currently writing a series of blog entries on the self improvement elements of the movie Labyrinth, which you can read by clicking on the link above. While researching for this particular project, Cathy came across another interesting post about the religious elements of the movie Labyrinth. Right up my alley, yes? Not really. Emily, the author of this piece, has tried to claim that Labyrinth is a Christian morality play. I can relate to the idea that the movie can be symbolic of a spiritual journey, but Emily tries forcing metaphors where they simply do not belong.

How so? Well, lets start with our protagonist, Sarah - Emily claims that Sarah is with child and is projecting her emotional confusion over what to do with her unborn child onto her little brother. It is made pretty obvious by the, er, uh… what proof of this exists in the movie? Are we so sure that it is not Ms. Emily who is projecting?

It gets worse, though. She claims that Hoggle is a personification of Jesus Christ. Hoggle, the coward - Hoggle, the gruff loner - Hoggle, the reluctant traitor, is Jesus Christ? If Hoggle is anything, he is the voice of Sarah’s own doubts and fears, playing a foil to her outward optimism and naivete.

When we first see Hoggle, he is just outside the gates of the labyrinth killing fairies with a pesticide. According to Emily, we are suppose to infer that these fairies are instead the embodiment of the homosexual culture, which Hoggle… er, um, I mean Jesus, is seeking to eradicate. Could it simply be that they serve as a lesson for Sarah that not all things are as they seem? Nah! That apparently isn’t Christian enough, so Emily projects her homophobia into this children’s movie.

And the article continues from there, drawing the conclusion that the talking door guards are symbolic of true and false religion, the cleaners symbolic of cults, and the wise man is symbolic of Eastern Religions. In an apparent fit of racism, she calls the fire gang “blacksploitation jive turkeys,” claims that The Bog of Eternal Stench is symbolic of an abortion clinic, and claims Sir Didymus is symbolic of the fallacies of science. At this point, it behooves me to ask whether this particular article is a parody or serious. I’m not entirely sure, to be honest.

“The Christian Themes of Labyrinth” does one thing right, however unintentionally. It shows how easy it is to ignore obvious explanations in favor of rationalizing the interpretation we expect to be true. We each see what it is that we want to see. Unless we make the truth that which we most desire, we will only see the contrived metaphors of our imagination. If I may suggest, perhaps the lesson we are supposed to learn from Labyrinth is the importance of balancing the imagination of childhood against the required clarity and purpose of adulthood in order to seek truth over fantasy. Then again, it now might be me who is projecting.

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written by John \\ tags: Christian, Metaphors, Morality, Movies, Religion

My Grandfather is bald. My Uncle Jimmy is losing his hair as well. Uncle Frankie on the other hand has kept a nice full head of hair. I always had hoped that I would be like my Uncle Frankie and have a nice full head of hair well into my fifties.

The theory I had concerning my potential hair loss as an adult was that I had nothing to fear. Like my Uncle Frank, I’ve taken good care of myself, haven’t messed with hard drugs or drank to excess, and I generally have a laid back demeanor. My brother, who started balding at the young age of twenty three, had been more like my Uncle Jimmy - life in the fast lane all the way. Yes the potential was still there in my genetics, but as long as I treated myself well, I thought I was going to have a full head of hair until the day I die.

Here I am, turning twenty nine in June, and I am beginning to notice more hair in my hands after I shampoo. The first time I mentioned it to Cathy, she assured me that my hair looked as full as ever. However just the other day she looked down upon my head and gasped, “Oh, your hair is thinning!” My God is a cruel God….

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written by John

Above Image by Sourabh Rath. Explosion Photo by Ed Schipul. Stop Sign Photo by Peter Kaminski.

There are two types of cosmic events in every life; BOOM-woah moments and BLAH-meh moments. It is the interplay of these two moments that determine the quality of your life. The more time you spend in BOOM-woah moments, the higher the likelihood of success and happiness. Conversely, if you spend the majority of your time in BLAH-meh moments, you are more likely to be a boring and depressing schmuck. As such, to ensure that you live your life to the fullest, it only makes sense to maximize BOOM-woah and minimize BLAH-meh.

Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? Well then, there isn’t much more for us to discuss, is there? That is unless you have no bloody idea as to the meaning of BOOM-woah or BLAH-meh, in which case you probably look as puzzled as an alien abduction victim that just walked in on an episode of Good Times. Don’t fret - I intend on making this as clear as mud for you.

BOOM-woah

The first half of our dysfunctional metaphor, BOOM-woah, refers to sudden moments of intense wonder. These moments can be observed through the manifestation of certain behaviors, such as crying while laughing, serene peaceful smiles, or shouting “YIPPEE!” in a crowded public restroom… just after the lights went out. It feels really good, but this is a sudden good, so it’s like “BOOM” and all you can say is “woah” like a Keanu Reeves bobble-head. When someone talks about finding Christ, Nirvana, or Jimmy Hoffa, this is what their talking about.

But this doesn’t have to be just about religion! You don’t need to believe in a great bearded man in the sky to have BOOM-woah moments. Carl Sagan, an astronomer and modern philosopher, didn’t believe in a God, yet had BOOM-woah moments all the time. He was just in awe of the beauty and immensity of the vast stretches of emptiness we call late night television, er, I mean space. Those moments when it struck him like a gong that we are just little bits of improbable dust in such very large place are valid BOOM-woah moments.

BLAH-meh

On the other hand, BLAH-meh refers to ongoing moments of intense boredom and indifference. It is like when a cold brussel sprout falls into your salmon flavored gelatin - this is serious apathy. Again, BLAH-meh moments can be observed through the behavior of those experiencing BLAH-meh moments, or rather through their lack of behavior. Whether it be the forlorn sigh, the downwards stare, or the curious abundance of “Office Space” paraphernalia in a temp’s cubical, it can be fairly easy to spot someone who is experiencing a BLAH-meh moment. When someone grumbles about Monday, the lousy local sports team, or their last colonoscopy performed by sea urchin, you can be relatively sure that they are having a BLAH-meh moment.

But this doesn’t have to be just about the medical practices of echinoids! Everyone has BLAH-meh experiences, whether it be on Monday morning or on their Wedding night (woe to he who admits that to his wife). If you have too many BLAH-meh moments, however, you become a schmuck and suck the life out of everyone else around you. You’ll be like “BLAH,” and everyone else will emit a hoarse “meh,” and you’ll morph into a wrinkle of Jewish foreskin. I swear to God, I’ve seen it happen! Just take a good long look at Rush Limbaugh, and tell me you don’t see wrinkled Jewish foreskin.

BLAH-woah & BOOM-meh

These lesser known events, while not as cosmic or universal as BOOM-woah or BLAH-meh, are worth mentioning. BLAH-woah occurs in instances when you are truly amazed at how bland and worthless a moment turned out to be. It is more of a philosophical BLAH-meh. While many attribute the writings of Friedrich Nietzsche to his constant illness and struggle to find meaning in his life, I prefer to look at his observations as a series of BLAH-woah moments. They make more sense that way. Conversely, BOOM-meh is the sudden onset of indifference. It is like going to the theater to watch an Academy Award winning movie only to discover that they are only showing “Ishtar” instead.

Now that you understand what BOOM-woah and BLAH-meh are about, you can apply it to your own life, knowing that these two attend as beacons guiding your ship away from shallow waters, and straight towards the light house. May the wisdom of BOOM-woah and BLAH-meh serve you well.

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written by John \\ tags: God, Humor, Life, Meme, Religion

Image Above Heavily Modified Image From Photo by Stefan Kloo. Anime Image by Exiliados del Olimpo. Cereal Photo by Pam Beesley. Bottom Image by Stefan Kloo.

Now, I haven’t actually paid much attention to the rise and fall of cults in the recent years, if only because they all seem to be variations on similar themes. You know the qualities all cults have - charismatic leader, mind control substances, strange ritual, aliens, secrets, and tentacles. All religions should have tentacles, but that’s besides the point; it’s the same thing rehashed over and over again.

Well, I am just sick of the lack of imagination these people have. Where do these cult leaders get off claiming to be God incarnate if they can’t even come up with something original! If you have to be completely off your rocker, at least be creative about it - makes for better headlines.

As a free service to you, my impressionable would-be cult leaders, I am going to provide you with some great *original* ideas for your very own small secretive religious society. Keep in mind that milage may vary depending on the social demographic you might be targeting; there are no kangaroos in Ireland and most Americans fail to understand British humor. Also remember that this is not meant to be a definitive list, but rather the seeds of inspiration.

Anime-Based Cults

I truly don’t understand why no one has thought of this before; the following of Japanese animation is so fanatical that they almost qualify as a cult even without a leader. Rituals usually involve school girls with improbable hair colors worshiping large mean-looking robots or being kidnaped by demons. The best mind control substances available for an Anime Based Cult is Japanese animation. If you hunt down the right type of Anime, tentacles come included!

Mascot-Based Cults

We have all heard of various snake or spider based cults. While these mascot-based cults have become all too common, I don’t think this means that a mascot is out of the question. There has never been a kangaroo based cult, a platypus based cult, or a giraffe based cult, to the best of my knowledge. If you have problems envisioning such a cult, do yourself a favor and watch Conan: The Barbarian; any time you see a snake, mentally replace it with a kangaroo. Still not convinced? Suggest the same thing to an Australian friend and watch them freak-out.

Breakfast Cereal Character Cults

Did you ever think that spiritual enlightenment might be as close as your pantry? With the likes of Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and Captain Crunch serving as saints, your following could grow exponentially in just a short period of time. Of course, your new found underlings would have to be home before dark, but this is a small price to pay. Again, mind control substances are built into this cult in the form of the repetitive mindless commercials and sugary breakfast cereals.

50’s, 60’s and 70’s Sitcom Cults

Some things just get better with age, like wine, cheese, and Barbara Eden in a skimpy genie costume. Why not create a cult centered around wisdom and doctrine as taught by Dick Van Dyke or utilize the moral workings of the Brady Bunch. Scripts could serve as your holy texts and actors could serve as your saints! Who wouldn’t want to bow before a statue of Lucille Ball? You may even be so bold as to focus on one or two 80’s sitcoms, but I advise you not to try to incorporate Seinfeld into your cult; one already exists and they are more fanatical than the Soup Nazi.

Kitch Cults

If you ever worn spandex biker shorts, a leopard print shirt/blouse, with leg-warmers, you may be interested in starting a kitch cult. Your bad taste in fashion, art, music, and decor need not be silent any longer! Hot pink faux leather flamingos wearing cheep sun-glasses serve as your angels. Above your altar is the image of The King on black velvet under a black light. You and your followers can meditate to the lyrical musings of Devo and They Might Be Giants, while pondering the significance of the life, death, and rebirth of tie-dye t-shirts. Yes, it is grand to be a member of a kitch cult! Your rituals would involve sacrifices of plaid golfing pants, pastel suits, and ridiculously large gold earrings. Bowling night would be sacrosanct, and limericks should be sung in honor of used car salesmen.

As I had noted above, these are just a few ideas. In no way should this list be considered complete, and you are encouraged to come up with your own inspiration for your new cult. Do you think your cult is the most unique? Well, then tell me about it! If I like the snake oil you’re selling, I might even join. But remember - and do take this seriously - to include tentacles in the design of your cult, lest you want to become ambrosia for the Great Old Ones when they finally awaken.

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written by John \\ tags: Art, Humor, Religion, Ritual, Worship

Image Above by Jordan Stilist. Gonzo Photo by Fernando de Sousa. Penguin Image by Mark Lewis.

A little under a month ago I had written an article about humor and spirituality entitled “Religion: Not A Laughing Matter - Or Is It?” At the end of the article, I posed the question of how humor could be incorporated into worship. I honestly couldn’t think of any practical way of accomplishing this myself, so I asked my readers to give me suggestions. I was hoping for more of a response than what I received, but blogging rarely works out exactly the way you planned.

Ah well. The point was to try to spring board off of the creativity of my readers, which I’m able to do from the suggestions of Seth Pickens and Shelby Meyerhoff. My thanks to both of you. Lets start the list with their suggestions…

• Spontaneous Laughter - Imagine a minister stepping up to the pulpit and begin laughing, with seemingly no reason. This minister then tries to encourage her congregation into laughing with her. Kind of hard to imagine, right? Well, not really… remember that laughter is contagious. It may seem fictitious at first, but there seems to be a tipping point at which forced laughter becomes genuine. Of course, this isn’t something that should be done every Sunday, but for that one special Sunday your church could be filled with cleansing laughter. This tip was provided by Seth Pickens.
• Humorous Illustrations - I don’t know about the rest of you, but the first thing I go for when I read the local paper is the cartoon section. Maybe I just never grew up, but a little laughter always makes the rest of the news paper a little easier to read. Using a humorous cartoon or illustration that is related to the sermon topic is a good means of easing into heavier topics. This suggestion was given by Shelby Meyerhoff.
• Self Deprecating Humor - Sometimes a congregation needs reminding by their minister that she is human as well. Being able to frame your own short comings in humor isn’t always an easy task and, as with all of these suggestions, can be over used. However, a person anecdote in which you place yourself as the butt of the joke can be both illuminating and endearing.
• Children at the Pulpit - Is there no lesson that children cannot teach us? Aside from unintentional humor, which is the hallmark of any good Christmas Pageant, the way in which children see the world around them does not only provide practical wisdom, but can also be pretty darn funny. Can children run an entire service? Not without help. I think it is safe to say that a service written and given by children would be unlike any service you’ve ever seen before.
• New Twist On Old Stories - Don’t be afraid to add a humorous twist to a familiar story - it catches people off guard. However relevant the story is, if the congregation had heard it before, the message of the story will not register. By adding that unexpected twist, not only do you get them to chuckle, but you get their attention as well.
• Pop-Culture References - I’ve come to the realization that pop-culture exists only to keep comedians employed. Why not take a page from their play-book and put it to good use at church? Not only will you seem more topical and interesting as a minister, but using current events or trends as your examples makes your message more relevant to your listeners. And, of course, there is the added bonus of getting paid to make fun of pop-culture.
• Quote Comedians - Most of comedy these days are not made up of joke or running gags, but rather are stories that end in an absurd moment. Stories can always be used to demonstrate a message in a sermon, so why not use comedic quotes in your service? The work is done for you, all that you need to do is frame the story with a moral or lesson.

I hope you find these suggestions inspirational. I know of a couple I plan on bringing up in my next worship associates meeting. Perhaps we can begin a service with a quote from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy… hrm.

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written by John \\ tags: Current Events, Humor, Inspiration, Religion, Spirituality

Laughing Baby Photo by Kyle Flood. Laughing Buddha Photo by Jason Gulledge.

Humor is essential to spirituality. Nothing else in the human experience can disarm the defensive, ease the worries of the stressed, or heal us as holistically as humor. Yet, in Western culture, laughter is considered offensive to religion - a mockery of its solemn nature. How did we come to believe that God is a humorless jerk? I personally think that this reflects on humans more that it reflects on God.

Because religions of our culture are overly concerned with death and judgment, we have a tendency to take religion too seriously. Religion is nothing more than the collected wisdom of how life is best lived. Spirituality is nothing less than sincere appreciation of life. Living life with humor is wise, and laughter for the joy that life provides is genuine gratitude. Inviting humor and laughter into your religious life is not weakness of faith, but rather a testament to its strength.

The inability to laugh at yourself betray a tragic flaw that alienates you from others. By taking yourself too seriously, you may lose touch with the virtue of humility and become motivated to act solely in the interest of saving face. The hubris that results tempts you to make more mistakes in judgment for which you might answer with further arrogance, leading you deeper into your own self-righteous foolishness. This is one of the problems faced by religion today in our culture - the unwillingness to laugh at their own mistakes has caused religious institutions to become increasingly defensive. New religious movements should take notice; even non-theists would do well not to take themselves too seriously.

How does someone incorporate humor into worship? Despite all the virtues of good humor that I can think of, I have difficulty imagining a worship service based on humor. There are obvious ways in which humor might be destructive in a religious setting, but few ways in with it is commonly used to enhance a worship service. Sarcasm, which originates form a Greek work meaning “to rend flesh” is a fine example of humor that would be better left outside the church walls. I struggle to think of a single type of humor to serve as an example opposite of sarcasm. Yet I cannot believe that the same God that endowed us with a sense of humor intended that we forgo its use.

This is why I ask you, my readership, to help me bring together a list of ways which to incorporate tasteful humor into spiritual practice and religious services. If you have an idea, please share it in the comments of this article. No idea is too small or too ridiculous. When enough material has been generated, I will edit your comments into a list of techniques for individual practice and for communal worship. As always, proper credit will be given to each person who contributes, and contributors with blogs can expect a link within the article.

I look forward to hearing your ideas.
Namaste.

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written by John \\ tags: Faith, God, Humor, Religion, Spirituality

“Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.”
- Agnes Repplier (1855 - 1950)

Psst. Hey pal. Yes, you! … Do you have a sense of humor? Are you sure? Not everyone has the chutzpah to laugh about religion. Even fewer are the brave men and women who make laughing about religion into a religion. I’m not just talking about a parody of a religion, but a religion that is a parody of a religion of a parody of a real religion. So would that be a real religion, you ask? Well, if you don’t know, then you are already apart of the joke.

As of right now, there are three religious parody religions in existence; Discordianism, The Church of The SubGenius, and Pastafarianism. Each of these three religions have several important similarities. First, it is important to note that all three religions hold a great debt to Al Gore, whom you all know created the series of tubes otherwise called the internets; Gore is cut a check every second Tuesday of the month for his contribution. Second is the fact that each of these religions get proportionately funnier as the jokes age, unlike stale 80’s comedies, which were probably never funny having all been written by Chevy Chase and Steve Martin - but I digress. Finally, there is the astonishing coincidence that all three religious parody religions existed at the time this article was written, which of course is the hallmark of any true religion. Any other religious parody religions are false, heretical, and probably not as funny as the before mentioned three.

Discordianism, the oldest of these three religions, originated in the early 1970’s and was first popularized by the late Robert Anton Wilson when he wrote about it in his Illuminatus trilogy. The Principia Discordia, the holy book of this religion, has been described as a postmodern treaties on Zen Buddhism, a revival of an ancient Greek Chaos mystery cult, and ‘the hell if I know, now leave me alone.’ It is written by the prophet Malaclypse the Younger in the 1950’s, after having been exposed to an exploding chimpanzee at a all-night bowling alley frozen in time/space. He and his fellow prophet, Omar Ravenhurst, founded this religion based upon the worship of Eris, the Goddess of Discord, which would later grow to become the hidden power behind every U.S. Presidency since Benjamin Harrison, fnord.

The Church of the SubGenius is considered to be an off-shoot of Discordianism and is centered around the worship of J.R. “Bob” Dobbs as well as the acquisition of slack. Currently headed up by it’s founder, Rev. Ivan Stang, the Church is seems to be lampoon of fundamentalist Christianity and Scientology drowned in copious amounts of 1950’s kitch. Don’t let the appearances fool you - The Church of the SubGenius is a genuine religion, complete with extensive tithing, alien space ships, and a mail order ministry ordination. Get your slack while it’s still hot.

The newest of these three religious parody religions is Pastafarianism, which emerged in 2005. Also known as the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Pastafarians believe that the ultimate creator of the universe is a… Flying Spaghetti Monster. They also believe strongly that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are directly related to the falling number of pirates since the 1800’s. This is due to the fact that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is angered that pirates are going extinct and is exacting revenge on earth for the falling number of his chosen people.

Regardless of which of these three religions you adhere to, you can rest assured that your beliefs will not be scoffed or laughed at by those who can’t take a joke… Then again, they don’t laugh at much of anything, so these greyfaces deserve the slackless, stale-beer hell that’s reserved for them. RAmen.

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written by John \\ tags: Buddhism, Christian, God, Humor, Ministry, Religion, Reviews

Just before this Christmas Holiday, Cathy Crovis from RipplesofImprovement.com tagged me for this rather morbid task of writing my own eulogy. I am supposed to write it to reflect the goals and dreams I have for the future. The purpose of this endeavor is to give focus to what I want to accomplish in my lifetime. Instead of using this opportunity to poke fun at myself and the task at hand, I thought it would be a nice change of pace to actually take this seriously. Well, not too seriously; after all, there is a point at which this could become depressing rather than enlightening. So, with no further explanation needed, and far too much given already, I present to you…

The Eulogy of John Michael Pageless

Photo by Maciej Lewandowski

Reverend John Michael Pageless lived a full life of joy, love, and worthy accomplishments in the field of religious tolerance and spiritual exploration. John Pageless, the son of Albert and Marie Pageless, began life in a lower-middle class family in the Baltimore County suburbs of Maryland. Although he and his family did struggle through economic hardships during his childhood, he still learned from the experience of his mother’s candor and open-minded views, as well as his father’s sensibilities and sense of humor. These traits would later become the hallmarks of a great man.

John Pageless was baptized Catholic, raised Lutheran and later non-denominational Christian, but was constantly infatuated with all the religions of the world. When he had become a teenager, he delved deeply into non-Christian religions, such as Buddhism and Qabalah, from which he would develop his views on God and religion now popularly known as Omnitheism.

In the fall of 2006, he married his best friend’s sister, Mrs. Pageless, with whom he would spend the rest of his life. He would later attribute his successes in life to Mrs. Pageless during her Eulogy, given only three years ago. He said, “Behind every good man, there is a great woman. It may be clique, but it wouldn’t have become a clique if it was not true. I am an example of such. One can hardly argue that we are both very successful in our later years together, but I would have to insist that her success was far greater than mine, as she was solely responsible for all of her own accomplishments, and a good portion of those attributed to myself. I would have never made it through seminary without her by my side…”

As a Minister of the Unitarian Universalist church, he became a staunch proponent of liberal religion and religious tolerance. With his inspiration, the Unitarian Universalist Association, in conjunction with other liberal churches and multi-faith organizations, challenged and defeated the political attacks on religious freedoms made by fundamentalists in the early part of the twenty first century. He also became known as America’s Minister, having written numerous best selling books on the subject of liberal religion, and was council for every president since Chelsea Clinton took office in 2017.

With his influence, John Pageless ensured equality for people of all peaceful religions - including the non-religious. He also reconfirmed the separation of church and state, and set up the United Nation’s World Religion Congress to promote interfaith dialogue on an international level. Yet despite his importance to the world at large, he never failed to place his duties as a husband and father ahead of his professional calling. He is survived by his son, David Alexander Pageless, and his daughter, Alexandra Diane Pageless, both of who have inherited their parents’ dedication to making the world a better place.

Rev. John Pageless had once said that he believed we each end so that someone else may begin. So as we reflect on the life of this man and mourn his passing, let us remember that his absence is a challenge to each of us to begin the journey to do great things. He invites us all to change the world as he did.

One thing this eulogy didn’t mention is how I would die. I want to have the privilege to reenact an ancient Sumarian ritual, recently found in the texts of the unearthed “Necronomicon.” After repeatedly assuring the audience that this ritual poses no danger, I would start the ritual that would result in the summoning of Cthulhu. This ancient demon-priest would then swallow me whole, leaving only my left foot for burial. My last words would be “I could be wrong.”

So that I am not the wet-blanket who ends this string of premature post-humorous remarks, I’m tagging Rev. Dan Harper of Yet Another Unitarian Universalist to write his own eulogy. I look forward to seeing what he writes and hope it involves another Mythos deity; after all, the world needs more H.P. Lovecraft references.

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written by John \\ tags: Career, Death, Family, Humor, Inspiration, Love, Religion, Religious Tolerance