My step-father’s funeral was yesterday. It was a very long day. I have no doubt that I will be coming back to this topic frequently over the next year or so, but I’d like to just sit down and write my general impressions about the funeral while it is still fresh in my mind.
I cried for the first time the night before the funeral. My mother gave me one of dad’s guitars with which to remember him. It is a factory prototype blue Hagan flying-v electric guitar that he has had for the longest time. He has had that guitar for as long as I can remember. As I told Cathy, I’m just holding this guitar for him – I don’t consider it to me truly mine.
At around 2:15 pm the day of the funeral, my wife and I picked up my mother and brother. Given the circumstances, my mother seemed to have been in a good mood. She was still nervous and sad, of course, but not so much that she was paralyzed by it. I’m very proud of her; she is a very sensitive person who does not normally do well under stress, but she soldiered on.
At about 2:30 pm we arrived at the funeral home. My grandparents – my mother’s parents – were already there, which was a relief because they did a lot to soften the blow of seeing the body for the first time. My mother broke down when she first saw him; he didn’t look like himself. Funeral homes always put too much make-up on the body. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and wipe the make-up off his face. Luckily, we had brought a photo of him for the viewing.
People started arriving at around 3:00 pm. I don’t remember exactly who arrived first, but I seemed to recall that dad’s sister Mary was one of the first. Aunt Mary is the mother of family pastor, who conducted the service. Then there was my Aunt Sue – dad’s sister. She broke down too, and embraced my mother… My Aunt Sue and my mother had never been close, but I have the feeling they made a connection yesterday.
I felt it was important to greet everyone, make sure that everyone felt welcomed. Much of the time I spent was fluttering from one small group to the next – very uncharacteristic of me. I’m not a social butterfly by any stretch of the imagination, but I did my best to fill that role. If I left anyone out or was not present enough for anyone in particular, I apologize.
There was a break between the viewing and the service around 5:00 pm. I went out with Cathy, my father-in-law, my mother-in-law, and my grandmother-in-law to grab something to eat. I had two glasses of rum and coke, which relaxed me so I could focus on being there for mom and everyone else. I know it isn’t wise to drink when upset, but sometimes a shot of liquid courage goes a long way.
Around 7:00 pm, we returned for the service. My sisters arrived at this time, as well as a good portion of my mother’s side of the family. Bonnie, my younger sister, broke down upon seeing the body. She was particularly close to dad, so she took the news that he had died pretty hard. Annie, my older sister, was a little stronger; Bonnie leaned on her quite a bit yesterday.
At 7:15 pm, Pastor Tally arrived. As I had said before, Tally is Aunt Mary’s son. I had watched him do the service for dad’s mother, and now he was doing dad’s service. I will say that I was very impressed by Tally; he has a gift. As a christian pastor with his own church, he’s come a long way from the lanky kid I vaguely remember from so many moons ago. I really like his take on Christianity and how he conducted the service. He and I have a unscheduled date to meet and talk Theology.
I gave the eulogy, which everyone seemed to really enjoy. While I am very proud of the eulogy that I gave, I will not be posting it up here on my website. If any family members want a copy, I’ll be happy to share it with them, but I feel that this is something that should stay within the family.
Before and after the service, I had a chance to reconnect with many of my family members from both sides with whom I had lost touch. I even mended a fence with one of my cousins. I never really felt the need to keep in touch with family before and, although I know it sounds trite, I now realize what I have been missing. I’ll be gathering up phone numbers and addresses of family members from both sides of the family and making an effort to keep in contact.
I miss dad, but his passing has brought on a major shift in my life for the better. I am now the one who needs to take care of my mother, make sure my brother stays out of trouble, and be the level-headed one of the family. I know I can never replace dad, but I am determined to take up much of the responsibility he had on his shoulders and help the family carry on. That responsibility has made me realize exactly what is important in life and will bring me closer to people who truly love me.
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