Twenty nine years ago today, I took my first breath of air and let the world know in grand fashion that I had arrived. Today, I am breaking the long-held silence of this website to speak again about spirituality. I suppose birthdays can be a rebirth of sorts, but for many people the day of their birth is a day like any other. Is that sad, or just practical? That might depend on the reasoning, yet I would argue that to be practical on such an occasion is still sad.
I have a ritual that goes along with my birthday each year. At first I go about in my cheesy awkward way soaking up the praise and acknowledgment from friends and family which feed my ego. If anyone had forgotten, I make sure to remind them and rub it in a bit. Even if they hadn’t for
gotten, I might try to get away with more than I ordinarily do, using my birthday as an excuse. Somewhere during the day, I end up indulging in food and drink. Then, just when I thought I’ve squeezed enough enjoyment out of my day, I remember…
I remember that at one time, I didn’t exist. At some point in the future, I will cease to exist. I am not permanent. I am a compromise between matter and spirit which only exists for a finite period of time. And I ask myself all those questions I fear and dread to ask - those hard questions that I never seem to have a good answer for.
What have I accomplished? What merit does my life have? Do I exist merely for my own pleasure or am I living in service to others? Am I good? Actually, I’m much harder on myself with these questions than necessary. Yet it seems appropriate that after a day of ego laced gluttony, that I turn on myself and examine my worth.
Last year, this ritual had brought me to the realization that I need a purpose in life, and that purpose should include spirituality in a big way. This year? I’m asking myself if I have done enough towards that goal. I haven’t really supported my church as I should, or really integrated into the church. I still feel like a stranger there, yet I have no one but myself to blame.
Also, I sometimes doubt whether I am on the right path. Do I want this, or do I just think I want this? Like at any other time in my life, I’m being indecisive… I’ve always been indecisive. I’m tired of being indecisive.
Moving turned out to be more disruptive to my life than I original anticipated. I need to refocus and recenter. Part of that means rebirth. I need to think more about rebirth in a more proactive way; how does one find the inspiration to clean the slate of past failures and mistakes? I don’t know. Perhaps I have more introspection to do than I have had in the past.
In any case, I should stop blathering on about my thoughts about myself and get back to making this website the best it can be. I owe that to you, my readers, who’ve stuck by me even though I was MIA. Thank you and Namaste.
Image Above by Daniel Pedrosa.
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June 18th, 2008 at 9:40 am
Hi John,
Happy birthday and welcome back!
I’m sad to hear you feel like a stranger at your church. I think it’s all too easy to feel that way in a congregation, especially when you’re new. In a mid or large size congregation, coffee hour and worship are likely not enough to help most of us feel that we’re genuinely known by other members of the congregation.
One thing that really helped me feel more a part of the larger community at my congregation was joining a small group; having a small group of people that I consistently engaging with on a meaningful level was not only spiritually nourishing, but also helped me to feel really a part of the congregation’s social fiber. Maybe it’s worth checking out some of the small groups in your church, if they are available.
June 18th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Welcome back John.
As to cleaning the slate. There is understanding the desire that motivated the behaviour. There is sitting with conflict between different parts of ourselves and settling with an integration. There is learning the lesson, and perhaps learning something new, and moving on. Another way of saying this is sorting the good from the bad in an experience.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Happy Birthday! It’s great to have you back. You were silent for way too long!
June 29th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Hello Shelby,
As I’ve said in my post about post about feeling like a stranger, I only have myself to blame. I know what I need to do to integrate myself into my UU family - I just haven’t spent the time or energy to do so. It isn’t lack of effort on my congregation’s part… it’s me. However, I should also point out that I *do* feel like family here in the UU blogosphere.
Hello Evan,
So personal integration is dependent upon how we incorporate new lessons into our world view? I think I like that…
Hello Kay,
Thank you, Thank you… As I mentioned in a comment for another post, I’ve been a slacker. I need to get back into reading and commenting on other’s blogs - yours included.
Namaste.