Photo Above by Meyshan. Photo Below by Jaqian, of sculpture titled “Aspiration” by Rowan Gillespie.
Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of meditation and prayer on the subject of my aspiration and hopes for the future. Now, I’m not the type of person to believe that prayer was meant making requests of the Divine, but rather clarity in how to approach those things you want in your life. At this time in my life, the resources I need to pursue my passions are scarce. While I know that in the future I will be free to pursue bigger and better things, right now I’m frustrated with my current situation.
I am meant to do something important with this life. Constantly, I am reminded that I am meant for something greater. Not fame or fortune, but something that actively makes this world a better place. There is a lot to love in this world that often goes unrecognized and unappreciated. It is as if I see potential where others see only profit, greatness where others see poverty, and beauty everywhere while my fellow human beings walk about with glazed over eyes.
This is what I want from life… I want open eyes, create, heal, and learn. I want to be a father to my children, a husband to my wife, and a brother to all people. I want to be artistic in the way I live my life. I want to start a revolution in humanity’s perception of itself. I want to pry into God’s eye and see deeper into the truth than ever has been seen before. I want love for myself, for those around me, and for those in pain. I want to be the person who makes all difference in the world.
Egotistical? You bet it is. It is the main occupation of my ego to wish bigger and better things for myself. I’m not content to remain a cog in the machine; I’m tired of going around in circles. While I am still young, I can’t help but feel that time is slipping away from me. It just doesn’t feel like I’m moving forward.
I know, I know - enough of this incessant angst! I have a lot to be thankful for, not the least of which is my loving wife, family, and friends. I’m also thankful to have a place where I can speak my mind on spiritual and religious topics - a place to think and be heard. Perhaps I should spend sometime focusing on the positive and remembering that I am blessed. I still have sixty-some-odd years of life ahead of me; my adult life accounts only for eight of my soon-to-be twenty nine years.
…It’s too early for a mid-life crisis.
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April 3rd, 2008 at 9:51 am
Wow– this post totally resonates with me…or at least where I have been all winter. I’m young too (32), and the reassurance from people “Oh,you’ve got time…” isn’t all that reassuring because when you’ve got a call, that call just nags and nags and nags. I also resonate with the “lack of resources” thing too, btw.
But, I think that for things to really happen, that we have to struggle with that ego part of ourselves. It’s a strange kind of ego to want our lives to count, to be important. (My husband told me the other night that I was being totally egotistical when I went into a similar rant…and I fought him on it, but there is some truth…and it’s something I will just have to struggle with…because to be a truly effective spiritual leader, it requires a letting go of that ego. )
And I think–there is a letting go, a part where spirit has to move in. And I am not one either to “make requests of the Divine”…but you never know when spirit will surprise you and give you an opportunity you hadn’t expected. The calls are there all around us–usually in little ways– and it is really up to us to answer. But answering isn’t always easy…
Sorry for the preaching here… I think that you are on the right path just by being honest with yourself and sharing these thoughts. Thank you for this!
April 3rd, 2008 at 12:15 pm
I don’t hear your ego speaking in this writing. I hear your spirit which is trying to get out and live it’s purpose while your ego holds you back because of the limitations which it precieves. Sounds like you are in your own way and when you let go of ego, you will acheive all that which you have described in ways that you cannot yet see. Trust in your heart and open yourself up to fail, to fall, to lose it all and then you will achieve all that you have outlined in this post.
April 3rd, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Hi John,
It sounds to me that you have set out on the path. You have taken the first step toward these things.
It may be worth thinking about whether you can set up some signposts so that you can see the progress you are making. They certainly help me.
April 9th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Hello Terri,
You are indeed welcome. I’m glad I’m not alone in feeling frustrated with this time in my life. Hopefully, the summer will bring something better for us both!
Hello Mark,
Thank you Mark for your words of encouragement. No, trust me, I still am quite egotistical. Just ask my wife!
Hello Evan,
Sign posts… Check!
Namaste to you all.