Photo Above by Franco Folini. Photo Below by Aidan Jones.
Early last week, I was told a friend of mine was in the hospital with a serious lung infection. He had a felt a very sharp pain in his chest when he breathed and, believing that it might be serious, checked himself in to the hospital. Due to the infection, he has fluid and growths on his lungs, causing his breathing to become labored. In an attempt to drain off the fluids and slow the infection, he underwent a number of surgeries to have drainage tubes inserted into his lungs.
Since I’ve heard of his illness, I have of made it a point to try visiting every few days - first time this past Wednesday and again just Sunday. This was a man who was in my wedding party and was the one who made me realize that I wanted a relationship with the woman who became my wife. While we don’t see much of each other, I consider him an important part of my life.
I want you to understand the type of guy he is; the man’s had a hard life. It’s not my place to divulge the details of his past, but I will say he’s had the hardest life out of anybody I’ve ever known. For this reason, he’s very guarded and difficult for most people to gauge. This friend is brutally honest, unusually curt, and always sarcastic. For someone like myself who thrives on open communication and regular validation, it is easy to be intimidated by him whether he means to be intimidating or not. Yet, somehow, I managed to gain his trust and friendship.
On Sunday, I saw him at his most vulnerable. I saw tubing snaking out of him limply like vines, his head nodding due to the morphine drip, and heard the shallow rasp of his breathing. He couldn’t say much, or even move much of his own volition. Seeing him reduced from being hard as nails to practically helpless is heart breaking and painful.
As I left that day I realized something; being a minister could mean seeing people such as my friend at their absolute weakest on a regular basis. Not only that, but it would be my job to console family members, be fully present to help them with their grief, and yet not show my own weakness in front of them. I asked myself if I could be that person, and I wasn’t so sure. Then I asked myself if I wanted to be that person. I immediately answered that I did.
At this point in my life and with my current financial difficulties, I am at least eight or ten years away from becoming a minister - perhaps longer. I’ve often taken the easiest path in life and yet had never been truly satisfied. I guess I grew up a little bit last Sunday. I’m not sure if I would be a successful minister or not, but that isn’t the point; I want to make this world a better place. This is one way in which I can make a career out of making the world a better place. I can’t let go of that.
Am I afraid for my friend? Yes, I’m scared for his life. But this situation has also taught me a valuable lesson, and I would be a fool to ignore what I have learned. Regardless of what happens, I should hold on to that lesson, because it makes me a better person and because all suffering should have a meaning.
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March 4th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Even though I know it’s terribly hard seeing your friend this way, I’m glad you’re having this experience, John, and responding to it as you are. It is one of the ways we all test ourselves as we explore the path that leads to ministry.
March 4th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Hi John,
I’d like you to re-consider the idea that you won’t show your own weakness at times like this. It’s my experience that this can be the best thing to do - not be overwhelmed by it but connect through the weakness.
Sorry if this is overly personal and intrusive but I think it is a hugely important matter.
March 5th, 2008 at 1:03 am
John,
Your post brought back memories for me of seeing my late father, reduced by a long hospital stay to a shadow of his former self - then further reduced by a series of strokes from which he did not recover. There was no pastoral care for my family while we waited for him to die. This experience informed my chaplain internship, as I listened to people’s stories, especially the stories of the families in the hospice unit. I learned I had to bring everything I was into ministry, and part of that was acknowledging my still tender places and learning that sometimes a perceived weakness can be a strength. I wish you peace and the blessing of equanimity. -EBS
March 6th, 2008 at 12:21 am
Hello Ms Kitty,
Yes… Although I can’t say that this is a lesson I really wanted to learn.
Hello Evan,
I understand where you are coming from, but I think you and I are talking about two different kinds of weakness. As a minister, would I show some emotion and admit when it is hard? Yes - because doing so would allow me to connect deeper with those I am trying to help and releases some of the pressure. However, I would still need to maintain composure, even when those whom I am trying to help lose all composure. It may not be healthy, but it is an unfortunate part of the job description…
Hello EBS,
I’m sorry for your loss, and thank you for your words of wisdom. As I had said to Evan, we may be speaking of two different kinds of weakness… Perhaps it just goes to show that my post wasn’t as clear as I thought it was. But, hey, I’m still learning, right?
Namaste to you all.
March 6th, 2008 at 12:28 am
Hi John,
Yes, I do think we were talking about two different things. Thanks for the clariification. I also think it is possible to do it healthily - what job descriptions have a right to require of us is another topic I guess.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Yep. We’re all still learning! For the sake of clarity, by “weakness” what did you mean? Not breaking down emotionally? Not showing any emotion?
I was thinking about some of my own personality traits - I’m really a pretty quiet person - which I perceived as weaknesses before chaplain internship. Turned out that being quiet, turned out to be valuable in that role.
At any rate - being with a friend, now, is bound to be quite different from being present with people you don’t know well - and both are probably different from being present with parishioners as their minister.
blessings to you.
March 12th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Hello Evan,
N/P Guy.
Hello EBS,
I meant breaking down emotionally. It’s fine to show a little emotion, but ultimately a minister’s job is to console and listen to others.
UPDATE: My friend just got out of the hospital!
Namaste.