The Pageless Book

Image Above Heavily Modified Image From Photo by Stefan Kloo. Anime Image by Exiliados del Olimpo. Cereal Photo by Pam Beesley. Bottom Image by Stefan Kloo.

Now, I haven’t actually paid much attention to the rise and fall of cults in the recent years, if only because they all seem to be variations on similar themes. You know the qualities all cults have - charismatic leader, mind control substances, strange ritual, aliens, secrets, and tentacles. All religions should have tentacles, but that’s besides the point; it’s the same thing rehashed over and over again.

Well, I am just sick of the lack of imagination these people have. Where do these cult leaders get off claiming to be God incarnate if they can’t even come up with something original! If you have to be completely off your rocker, at least be creative about it - makes for better headlines.

As a free service to you, my impressionable would-be cult leaders, I am going to provide you with some great *original* ideas for your very own small secretive religious society. Keep in mind that milage may vary depending on the social demographic you might be targeting; there are no kangaroos in Ireland and most Americans fail to understand British humor. Also remember that this is not meant to be a definitive list, but rather the seeds of inspiration.

Anime-Based Cults

I truly don’t understand why no one has thought of this before; the following of Japanese animation is so fanatical that they almost qualify as a cult even without a leader. Rituals usually involve school girls with improbable hair colors worshiping large mean-looking robots or being kidnaped by demons. The best mind control substances available for an Anime Based Cult is Japanese animation. If you hunt down the right type of Anime, tentacles come included!

Mascot-Based Cults

We have all heard of various snake or spider based cults. While these mascot-based cults have become all too common, I don’t think this means that a mascot is out of the question. There has never been a kangaroo based cult, a platypus based cult, or a giraffe based cult, to the best of my knowledge. If you have problems envisioning such a cult, do yourself a favor and watch Conan: The Barbarian; any time you see a snake, mentally replace it with a kangaroo. Still not convinced? Suggest the same thing to an Australian friend and watch them freak-out.

Breakfast Cereal Character Cults

Did you ever think that spiritual enlightenment might be as close as your pantry? With the likes of Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and Captain Crunch serving as saints, your following could grow exponentially in just a short period of time. Of course, your new found underlings would have to be home before dark, but this is a small price to pay. Again, mind control substances are built into this cult in the form of the repetitive mindless commercials and sugary breakfast cereals.

50’s, 60’s and 70’s Sitcom Cults

Some things just get better with age, like wine, cheese, and Barbara Eden in a skimpy genie costume. Why not create a cult centered around wisdom and doctrine as taught by Dick Van Dyke or utilize the moral workings of the Brady Bunch. Scripts could serve as your holy texts and actors could serve as your saints! Who wouldn’t want to bow before a statue of Lucille Ball? You may even be so bold as to focus on one or two 80’s sitcoms, but I advise you not to try to incorporate Seinfeld into your cult; one already exists and they are more fanatical than the Soup Nazi.

Kitch Cults

If you ever worn spandex biker shorts, a leopard print shirt/blouse, with leg-warmers, you may be interested in starting a kitch cult. Your bad taste in fashion, art, music, and decor need not be silent any longer! Hot pink faux leather flamingos wearing cheep sun-glasses serve as your angels. Above your altar is the image of The King on black velvet under a black light. You and your followers can meditate to the lyrical musings of Devo and They Might Be Giants, while pondering the significance of the life, death, and rebirth of tie-dye t-shirts. Yes, it is grand to be a member of a kitch cult! Your rituals would involve sacrifices of plaid golfing pants, pastel suits, and ridiculously large gold earrings. Bowling night would be sacrosanct, and limericks should be sung in honor of used car salesmen.

As I had noted above, these are just a few ideas. In no way should this list be considered complete, and you are encouraged to come up with your own inspiration for your new cult. Do you think your cult is the most unique? Well, then tell me about it! If I like the snake oil you’re selling, I might even join. But remember - and do take this seriously - to include tentacles in the design of your cult, lest you want to become ambrosia for the Great Old Ones when they finally awaken.